Jim of Huntington Beach

Tidbits of "Blarney" from a

Very Special Lad

JimHaran.jpg - 22833 Bytes

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS !

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Nice Story.....The Red Marble
Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me.
"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas ... sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?"
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it."
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"
"Not zackley ... but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."
I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.
Several years went by, each more rapid that the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts ... all very professional looking.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt."
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Today ... I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ...
....... A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself
....... An unexpected phone call from an old friend
....... Green stoplights on your way to work
....... The fastest line at the grocery store
....... A good sing-along song on the radio
....... Your keys right where you left them
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them, But an entire life to forget them.

Why men make poor secretaries...

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

James

On the Subject of Friendship

1) In kindergarten, your idea of a good friend was the one who let you have the red crayon, when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2) In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3). In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4) In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5) In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to do-si-so with nasty nick or stank susan.
6) In fifth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who saved a seat for you at the back of the bus.
7) In sixth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went up to nick or susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't feel so embarrased.
8) In seventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about.
9) In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schoolers room" and didn't laugh at you when you finished and burst into tears.
10) In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party being thrown by a senior so you wouldn't be the only freshman there.
11) In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their scheldule just so you would have someone to sit next to at lunch.
12) In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with nick or susan, and found you a date to the prom.
13) In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.
14) At gradutation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as the congradulated you.
15) The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you couldn't deal with your parents , assured you that you and nick or you and susan were together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last few days of childhood , went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most of all most importantly to send you off to college knowing you were loved.
16) Now, your idea of a good friend is the person who gives you the best of two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold onto it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with the pressures from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most of all,loves you! Yes, whether I've known you since kindergarten or just met you yesterday, you are truly my idea of a good friend.

(Pass this on to those who you consider your good friends, let them know you care.)

"No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."

p.s. to all you cool people who get this - this is not a work of mine but something a good friend has left in her memory.

******************************************************
The Greatest Pain in Life

The greatest pain in life
is not to die,
but to be ignored.
To lose the person you love so much
to another who doesn't care at all.
To have someone you care about so much
throw a party...
and not tell you about it.
When your favorite person on earth
neglects to invite you to his graduation.
To have people think that you don't care.

The greatest pain in life,
is not to die,
but to be forgotten.
To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.
To never get a call from a friend,
just saying "hi".
When you show someone your innermost thoughts
and they laugh in your face.
For friends to always be
too busy to console you
when you need someone to lift your spirits.
When it seems like the only person who cares about you,
is you.

Life is full of pain,
but does it ever get better?
Will people ever care about each other,
and make time for those who are in need?
Each of us has a part to play
in this great show we call life.
Each of us has a duty to mankind
to tell our friends we love them.
If you do not care about your friends
you will not be punished.
You will simply be ignored...
forgotten...
as you have done to others.

*This poem was written by a young girl who committed suicide three years ago. Perhaps if the people surrounding her had shown a little more love, and had paid more attention to her, her death could have been prevented. Remember that when going through life, you can't judge a sad, lonely, or suicidal person by their facial expression. You need to get to know each person you come in contact with, cherish your friendship with them, and show them that you care.*

Please forward to everyone you care about.

************************************************************

~SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS~

Thank you for sending me the things to make me think, laugh, or smile, For when I am down it makes the hurt go away, If only for a little while. That is why friends are so dear, just because they love you, know they're there to listen, and to take away the blue. It is also why I thank my God...for the friends he sends my way. He knows we need some cheer and support each and everyday. So to my wonderful, wonderful friends, I send a rose to you Because I know that you all are the friends through and true. May each of you be blessed with every need or want you have and share with your friends and be sure to make them glad. In each of us is a special gift, for if we love one another, it can surpass so much pain and fear. Give help and love to others.
Author Unknown

> Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadlythan the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins witha single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease. (ed. oh sure...)
18. In Gates we trust. (ed. yeah right....)
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

CASEY AT THE BAT
ERNEST LAWRENCE THAYER

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day; The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play; And so, when Cooney died at first, and Burrows did the same, A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast; They thought, if only Casey could but get a whack, at that, They'd put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.

But Flynn preceded Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake, And the former was a pudding, and the latter was a fake; So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat, For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.

But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all, And Blake, the much-despised, tore the cover off the ball; And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what had occurred, There was Jimmy safe on second, and Flynn a-huggin third.

Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell; It bounded from the mountaintip, and rattled in the dell; It struck upon the hillside, and recoiled upon the flat; For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Casey's manners as he stepped into his place; There was pride in Casey's bearing , and s smile on Casey's face; And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat, No strange in the crowd could doubt 'twas Casey at the bat.

Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt; Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt; Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip, Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air, And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there; Close by the sturdy batsman the unheeded sped. "That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar, Like the beating of the storm waves on a stern and distant shore; "Kill him! Kill the umpire!" shouted someone in the stand; And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.

With a smile on Christian charity great Casey's visage shone; He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on; He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew; But Casey still ignored it and the umpire said, "Strike two."

"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered, "Fraud!" But a scornful look from Casey, and the audience was awed; They saw his face grown stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain, And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.

The sneer is gone from Casey's lips, his teeth are clenched in hate, He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate; And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go, An now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.

Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shinning bright; The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout, But there is no joy in Mudville - mighty Casey has struck out!

Fruit Cake Recipe

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Happy holidays! Please feel free to share this recipe with others.************** *************
i tied It. itssssssssss grate. luve, jm

More Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to e recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the Precession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience".
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

I've Learned.......

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 25
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 45
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked
for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said,
"What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your
counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call
him a stupid Jew."
"Probably, " replied the clerk.
"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and
meatballs, would you also insult him?"
"Probably," the clerk again replied.
"Why you're nothing but a bigot. It's people like you that
fill the world with prejudice and racism. Why do you have to
insult everyone that isn't the same as you?"
The clerk leaned forward and replied, "because this is a
HARDWARE store, moron."

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures
on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook,
and an eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me
out, a shark bit my leg off"
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand
off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost
your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

An ambitious business consultant finally decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life. ...at least for awhile.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost
instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an
island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas
and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to
do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice,
longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to
spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of
the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you
get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw
material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from
Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no
tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side
of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of
that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach
the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the
boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the
rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only
stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a
drink?
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more
coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How

about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and
they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged
their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused,
"what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --
strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for
a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months? You know... "
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he
replied, "-- I can check my e-mail from here?"

From a column by Roy Rivenburg in this morning's LA Times. In that I have not
had any pent-up aggressions this morning, I have not tried going to the site
as yet.

Ever want to punch a celebrity? Now through the Internet it's possible to
release those pent-up aggressions. Deck William Shatner's alter ego Capt.
Kirk and watch his toupee fly off. Bonk Mr. Microsoft Bill Gates and see his
teeth fall out, Michael Jackson's plastic face cracks, John Tesh's nose bleeds
and Martha Stewart's head explodes into a bouquet of flowers.

Go to the Internet http://www.well.com/user/vanya/

At last count, the champ was Gates, with 160,678 blows, trailed by Capt. Kirk
(79.580), Tesh (52,453), Jackson (51,343) and Stewart (36,762)

Have an aggression free day,
Jim

_____________________________________________________

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer...you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's
it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake...he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"
_______________________________________________
12-15-97

From the LA Times

The Ritz-Carlton is offering a weekend stay for three couples at $5000,000
creating what appears to be the most expensive promotion ever offered by the
resort industry.

Those with an urge to splurge arrive by stretch limousine; sleep in ocean-view
suites with at least two balconies; attend a caviar and champagne reception
overlooking the Pacific; dine on a five-course, custom-designed menu followed
by an after-dinner cognac, Remy-Martin XII, at about $225 per glass; smoke $40
Cohiba cigars with expert Richard Carleton Hacker; and sip three 1989 first-
growth Bordeaux, costing as much as $3000 per bottle, from Riedel wine
crystal.

But here's the clincher: Each couple drives away in a brand-new $130,000
Mercedes-Benz 600SL, theirs to keep. Matter of fact, take the wine glasses
too.

So far the high-priced publicity stunt has attracted tow callers, but no
takers.
______________________________________________________

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.
During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely
professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest
and said, "Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The priest said, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a
letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you
did take a silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying
you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from
the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you
do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that
if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the
gravy ladle by now."
---------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you
please name the organ of the human body, which under the
appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size,
and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't
think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my
parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the
same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye,
in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have
three things to say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.

"Two, you have a dirty mind.

"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."

9-27-97
From this morning's Huntington Beach Independent.

Hurricanes have female names because you have never heard of a "he-a-cane"!

The following is a copy of an update on yesterday's item on hurricanes sent
to the Huntington Beach Independent.

Stan Cohen,

I enjoyed the story and answer in yesterday's column about hurricane names.

However, in telling the answer to my English teacher wife last night, she
said, "Don't you want 'him-a-cane'?"

"Shades of Warriner's English Grammar the objective case," I groaned. "The
answer would be 'him-a-cane' or 'his-a-cane'."

Whichever way it is a great answer. I should have known grammar would come
to haunt me for the rest of my life. }:->

Jim's Letter to the Los Angeles Times
June 10, 1997

English Spelling

Do you like to "ghoti"? George Bernard
Shaw pointed out that with the Roman
alphabet the word "fish" might be spelled
ghoti; f as in rough, i as in women and sh as
in nation. I do like to ghoti.

The fact that a single sound may be spelled
in several different ways is the serious
handicap of the Roman alphabet. I do not
think it is just California students who have
problems with spelling.

JAMES D. HARAN

Huntington Beach, California

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Got a call from a Haran in Utah about an hour ago with the following
important information.

Evidence that Jesus was Irish.

He was 30 years old, single, lived at home, had 12 drinking buddies and his
mother thought he was God!

ERIN GO BRAGH!

AN IRISH PRAYER

MAY THOSE WHO LOVE US, LOVE US

AND THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE US,

MAY GOD TURN THEIR HEARTS,

AND IF HE DOESN'T TURN THEIR HEARTS,

MAY HE TURN THEIR ANKLES, SO WE'LL

KNOW THEM BY THEIR LIMPING!

Bill Gates hears about a Las Vegas dancer/call girl called Divine Ecstay.
She is know for being the most expensive and greatest woman in the world.
Bill just has to prove this claim.
After a night with Divine Esctay, Bill tells her that without a doubt he now
knows how she came up with the name, Divine Ecstay .
To which she replies that she now knows how he came up with the name for his
company, Microsoft. :-)

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he
averages 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a
day (working or not)

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,00 every night while he
sleeps.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00. But he'll make $18,550
while he is there.

He makes $7,415 per hour more than the minimum wage (after a wage hike).

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have
to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k) he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts by 8:30 am on January first of the year.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as ALL of our past presidents

for ALL of their terms combined.

AMAZING ISN'T IT??

BUT, Jordan would have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net
worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates of Microsoft.

"IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?"

This Just May Be God's Lucky Day (headline)

Tampa, Fla.--An American Family Publishers sweepstakes notice arrived at the
Bushnell Assembly of God announcing that God, of Bushnell, Fla., was a
finalist for the $11-million top prize.
"God, we've been searching for you," American Family wrote in the letter
earlier this month, as first reported by the Sumter County Times.
If God were to win, the letter stated, "What an incredible fortune there
would be for God!"
"I always thought He lived here, but I didn't actually know," said Bill
Brack, pastor of the church about 60 miles north of Tampa.
Sweepstakes officials did not return several telephone calls or comment
Thrusday.-AP

I hope this information doesn't put a damper on your day! Jim

The 25th Iditarod 1,150-mile doge sled race began this past Sunday in
Alaska. "The rules say participants must start with a maximum of 16 dogs and
end with at least five-not at all unlike the NBA." (Jerry Perisho.)

And finally. Just when Green Bay Packer fans thought they had every
imaginable trinket of honor their Super Bowl heroes, along comes a new
product, the "Sport a Legend" condom by the Cheese Head Condom Co.
The green and gold condom packet was designed by graphic designer Dan
Gautraud and his fiancee. Patty Mueller.
"We were brainstorming, how far can we go with the Packers' stuff?" Gautraud
said.
This goes well beyond protecting the quarterback.

That's about it from here or as Jay Leno said, "We don't say 'Welcome to Los
Angeles.' " We say, "DUCK!"

Have a nice day, Jim

Do any of us stand a chance????

The following item is in an Associated Press story from today's LA Times

This Just May Be God's Lucky Day (headline)

I hope this information doesn't put a damper on your day! Jim

January 1997 Salt Lake Tribune
From Pleasant Weather Ratings (Consumer Travel Publications)

Cities for the worst year-round weather
1. Nome, Alaska
2. Reykjavik, Iceland
3. Denali National Park, Alaska
4. Paradise, Washington
5. Valdez, Alaska
6. Yekaterburg, Russia
7. Tomsk, Russia
8. Stehekin, Washington
9. Fairbanks, Alaska
10. Anchorage, Alaska

Cities for best year-round weather
1. Las Palmas, Canary Islands
2. San Diego, California
3. Casablanca, Morocco
4. Port Elizabeth, South Africa
5. Oceanside, California
6. Santa Barbara, California
7. Los Angeles, California
8. Mexico City, Mexico
9. San Miguel de Allende, Mexico
10. San Luis Obispo, California

From the Detroit Free Press:"Ohio State likes to act as if God wants it to
win. Nortre Dame believes it."

Trainer Clifford Sise has a 3-year-old filly in training for Santa Anita's
Oak Tree meeting whose name is EILEEN DOVER. So what, you ask? Say it out
loud.

Before a TV interview, the Green Bay Packers' Brett Favre was asked by ABC's
Al Michaels if he wanted some make-up powder.
"No, thank you," replied Favre. "I'm trying to quit."

And to finish up with sports, 80 years ago today October 7, 1916, Georgia
Tech Coached by John W. Heisman had the most lopsided college football
victory in history over Cumberland 220-0.

Some statistics:
Georgia Tech scored its first touchdown in less than one minute. Never threw
a pass, Never punted. Was never penalized. Scored ever time it got the
ball. Averaged 3.8 points per minute. led, 126-0, at halftime.
Cumberland never got past the 50-yard lone. Never gained a first down.

Fumbled 10 times-lost possession on all 10 fumbles. Six were returned for
touchdowns. Had a total offense of minus 42 yards.
Added game statistics: (although NCAA was not yet established)
Most touchdowns:32 Most extra points:30 Most different players to
score a touchdown:11 Most points scored in one quarter:63 Most
touchdowns in one quarter: 9 Most kickoffs returned:28 and Most points
scored in one half:126

And you thought your Monday was bad!!!!! :-)

Keep smiling and have a nice day, Jim in Huntington Beach

Back to Punch Lines-Says Bob Mills, "Republican strategists were relieved to
learn that the real-life models for the angry exes in "First Wives Club"
weren't Bob Dole's, New Gingrich's and Phil Gramm's."

A study says the first 25 years of marriage are the toughest. Adds Jenny
Church, "Especially if it's all to the same person."

British designers have invented a "fumble-free" condom that doesn't cause
loss of eye contact during sex. Says Steve Voldseth, "If they were really
smart, they'd invent one that doesn't cause loss of eye contact after sex."
He adds, "While you're at it, how about one with a two-minute warning and
instant replay?"

Financial problems caused the National Rifle Assn. to lay off 30 workers and
make other cutbacks:
"Well in any organization knows how to bite the bullet, it's the NRA."
"This could be the end of their primary community outreach program, Ammo on
Wheels."
"How do you know when the NRA is about to lay you off? The boss steps away
from your desk and shouts, "PULL!'"

From the comics. Waitress, "I told you she'd break your heart."
Shoe, "I know but my heart will Mend. My Credit rating will take a little
longer."

Well guess that's 30 for today, Jim

If you wish to be deleted from this mailing list, send money! :)

Hi, All. (September 14)
Still retired and lots of spare time. ENJOY. I hope.

From and ad for the LaFontana restaurant, a rural trattoria, in Huntington
Beach.

HEAVEN is where the police are British, the cooks ITALIANS, the mechanics
Germans, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss.

HELL is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss,
the police German and it is all organized by the ITALIANS.

Punch Lines from the LA Times.

The Texas mom who planned a murder to help her daughter make the cheerleading
squad has been sentenced to 10 years in prison. Says Premiere Morning
Sickness, "To announce their verdict, the jurors formed a pyramid and
chanted, 'Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do we incarcerate?'"
Adds the Cutler Dally Scoop, "Gimme a J! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an L!
What's that spell? TV movies!"

From Colleen Guthrie. "The Florida Orange Juice Growers Assn. offered O.J.
$1 million to change his name to "Snapple.'"

Says Alan Ray, "Madonna's baby is due in four weeks. Doctors haven't ruled
out delivery by caesarean-or, as they call it, the road less taken."

Says Argus Hamilton, "The next major hurricane is named Hortense. Gosh, that
sounds like a hooker with a headache. The White House is already estimating

the damage to range from 150 to 200 dollars an hour."
(As I was running the spelling checker on what I have written here, the word
"hortense" came up as a possible error. One of the suggested changes was the
word "whorehouse." How about that?-Jim)

A letter to Dear Abby. "I was in the hospital for a liver biopsy. Over my
head, the nursed kept referring to me as "the liver." They referred to the
next patient as "the knee." I heard a nurse say, "We'll do the knee after
the liver."
I asked them, out of curiosity why they refer to people like than, and they
explained, "We see so many people in one day it would be confusing to refer
to people by their names. It helps keep things straight by naming the part
of the body scheduled to be worked on."
I looked up at them and said, "It's a good thing I'm not in here for
hemorrhoids!"

30 for today, Jim
**********************************************************

Hey All, (August)

This is what happens when you are retired. Some thoughts and hopefully
smiles for today!!
Jim

LA Times Stuff August '96 to date.

From golfing legend Jackie Burke Jr. "Keep your head up. Everything in the
world with its head down gets eaten. Chickens, hogs cows. Every time you
see a leopard, his head is up, isn't it? You don't see any leopards getting
eaten, do you? No gloomy guy dragging around looking at his shoe-tops ever
won anything worth winning."

Minnesota-Out with the "Squaw." A state law ordering all counties to rename
any lakes, rivers or other geographic features containing the word. Lake
County tried to change its Squaw Creek and Squaw Bay to "Politically Correct
Creek" and "Politically Correct Bay." The law was passed after Cass Lake
High School students traced the word"squaw" to a French corruption of an
Iroquois epithet for vagina.

Trivia-Who was the first American president to throw out the ceremonial first
pitch of the baseball season? (William Howard Taft in 1910)

Future of some Olympic medal winners-"If Mary Lou Retton got on America's
nerves after a couple of harmless Energizer commercials what is to become of
Kerri Strug, who possesses one of the best story lines of the '96 Olympics
and a voice capable of shattering glass?"

The oldest living NFL player is Ralph Horween, a running back with the
Chicago Cardinals in the early 1920's, who this month (Aug. "96) celebrated
his 100th birthday. In a stark example of how times have changed, the
largest check Horween ever got was one for $275 for a 1923 game against the
Bears.

Only in So. California?? This for those of you in Baja Oregon!!

Question: Why is it in the city of Stanton that whenever there's an accident
on Katella at Magnolia, or Katella at Beach Blvd. the Ca. Highway Patrol is
there?
Answer: The CHP responds to calls on Beach Blvd. because it is a state
highway (#39). The intersection of Katella and Magnolia avenues, however, is
odd: jurisdiction depends on where you crash. The northwest corner is part
of the city of Stanton and therefore under the jurisdiction of the Orange
County Sheriff's Dept. The southwest and southeast corners are in the city
of Garden Grove, patrolled by that department. And the northeast corner is
in unincorporated county area, for which the CHP is responsible

Punch Lines
A blackout Sat. unplugged much of the west. In LA., traffic was gridlocked,
police were on tactical alert... "In other words, it was business as usual."

In a survey, 46% of women said they would rather go shopping than have sex.
That's why men always look so miserable at the mall.

About that woman who had 134 orgasms in one hour. It was actually quite easy.
Her husband wore one of those new musical condoms that played "Flight of the
Bumblebee."

One more on this topic. The woman actually could have had 157 in the hour
but her husband kept interrupting wanting to know where the remote for the tv
was.

From a Times reader in Laguna Hills, Jeffrey Rimmer. He was teaching an
elementary school class and a girl asked him, "How do you spell 'sex'?" Why
do you ask, he inquired.
"Well, I'm writing a story about insects and I already know how to spell
'in.'"

Now that "Independence Day" (the movie) has finally found its way to the
Pacific Nothwest, where it is no doubt being screened on bedsheets to an
audience seated on logs, readers of the Portland Oregonian have weighed in
with answers to the newspaper's question: Which city would you like to see
space aliens attack--New York or Los Angeles?
Although New York was the preferred target by 59% to 41%, the remarks were as
hostile and full of subconscious envy as one might expect.
NY...because LA has enough weirdos and NY is full of businessmen.
LA...if they attacked LA, they would just be acquitted anyway.
LA...eradicate it from the face of the planet.

LA...I don't think they'd really have a hard time doing it since they'd blend
in so well.
LA...maybe it's one of the only ways we can prevent Californians from moving
up here-if aliens kill them first.